Selfish Ambition

Thank God Will's back! I am thrilled. We drove up to San Jose on Wednesday to pick him up - it was a good drive, Eli was sleeping until about 3o min before we got there - then he was screaming! Oh well. We got there an hour early so I stopped at a McDonalds and fed him and changed him and that- then we waited for Will at the airport! I'm super excited he is home, but it's hard because he is so tired still, and I'm just excited - doesn't exactly make a good match! He'll be back to normal in a day or two - then we can catch up since he's half sleeping through everything we talk about now anyway! : )

Today we found out there is a really good deal on a super nice guitar that Will really wants. It's really hard for me to justify spending so much money on a guitar (even though someone just gave us almost the exact amount). I had a really hard time letting it go and realizing it was ok for Will to get it. Part of me just wants to be really wise with our money, the other part is just plain selfish. A guitar for Will is actually a ministry investment. He plays for worship at our base, for our DTS, and he's starting to play at church - for him it's a tool, not only a hobby and something he loves. So I understand that and I want him to have nice things.

Here's my selfishness. I feel guilty when I want to buy a blender or a food processor to make my own baby food or buy nice underwear (not from Walmart) because I haven't had any new ones since before I was pregnant. (Sorry for the info guys.) So for me to say - sure - spend all that money on a guitar, and then think bitterly about how I never spend anything on myself, is not only selfish - but really wrong. So I cried and I prayed and asked God to change my heart. I know that God provides for us - and he beyond blesses us. I mean - someone else just gave us another car! We have all we could ever need - it's my own wrong mentality to not buy things that I need, not even just want, because I don't think I deserve them.

God told me he wanted Will to have that guitar because he wants to bless him. He said it was ok for him to buy it. Then he told me to go buy a blender and some underwear. Thanks. It is kinda funny still - a guitar compared to underwear - but I couldn't think of anything bigger that I'd been wanting. And he also told me he will still provide for our necessities - for the money to register the new car and if Eli gets sick for the doctor. And I'm ok now. I know He will, because he's like that.

Will just got home with his new guitar - I have to go. At least he promised he'd write me a song.